


does anybody have a map?

by eg1701



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Good Parent Maryse Lightwood, I just want maryse and alec and magnus to all get along, M/M, Mother-Son Relationship, Talk of Suicide, idc about robert, mentions of 2x08, mentions of depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-31
Updated: 2018-01-31
Packaged: 2019-03-12 01:23:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13536684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eg1701/pseuds/eg1701
Summary: Maryse and Alec have a long overdue talk about life, love, and parenting.





	does anybody have a map?

**Author's Note:**

> if you guessed that this title was from dear evan hansen you were completely right
> 
> i have a lot of maryse lightwood feelings all of the sudden

Maryse stood outside the door of an office she’d been in countless times and hesitated. From the other side of the door she could hear voices, and what sounded like laughter. 

She didn’t want to intrude, even though she needed to do this before she left for Idris.  


But she could always wait. She could always talk over the phone to him.  


Maryse realized she was being ridiculous. Alec was her son, not some stranger. She owed him a face to face talk.  


In fact, she thought they were long overdue for a real conversation. One that didn’t end with one of them snapping at the other, or making passive aggressive comments.  


She knocked on the door and heard Alec call, “come in.”  


The source of the laughter proved to be Magnus Bane, who straightened up when he saw who it was. It looked like he’d been leaning on the desk.  


“Mother,” Alec greeted her formally, “is everything alright?”  


“Yes. Quite. I was wondering if I might have a moment alone?” Her eyes darted towards Magnus. She was hoping he wouldn’t take this the wrong way.  


“I’ll go and find Isabelle to tell her we’re leaving,” Magnus said, pressing a kiss to the top of Alec’s head, and Maryse was thankful he was as being so considerate. She knew she didn’t really deserve it, “Take your time darling.”  


Magnus smiled as he passed, and Maryse managed one back. She hoped it was friendly.  
Maryse perched herself on the sofa and patted the spot next to her for Alec to sit. After a moment’s consideration he did.  


She was so proud of him.  


“I’ve been meaning to speak to you for a while,” she said. She wasn’t meeting his eye, but rather staring at her hand, which she put on his knee, “but with everything that happened-“  


“You don’t have to explain,” Alec said, “it’s alright. I know we’ve all had a lot on our hands, with Valentine and Max and all.”  


“When I say this conversation is long overdue I mean that I should have talked to you when you were sixteen or so. I’m your mother. It’s my job.”  


“I understand that you’re busy.”  


She shook her head, “I wasn’t too busy for this. I should never be too busy for my children. I know I was slacking when it came to you, Izzy, and Jace, but I hope I can do right by Max. Alec, I know that I have made you feel badly for being with Magnus. I know I have let my own prejudices blind me to your happiness. Magnus makes you happy in a way I wouldn’t or couldn’t see. All I truly want for you and your siblings is your health and your happiness.”  


She got up, brushing her dress off as she did. Walking to the window, she considered her next words.  


“At Max’s rune party, when I saw you on that ledge- I had never been so terrified. That was my boy, my first born baby who wasn’t so little anymore. I turned away for a minute and you were no longer the little black haired boy sitting at a desk to this grow man who was one step away from falling. I don’t know when you grew up Alec.”  


“Mom that wasn’t really me. Up there, it wasn’t me.”  


She waved her hand dismissively, “I know about the spell or whatever it was but I also realized that if you had been up there of your own free will, I wouldn’t have realized anything was wrong until it was too late. Have you ever truly felt like that Alec?”  


He shrugged, “Probably. I don’t know. Yes.”  


She drew a shaky breath, “And I couldn’t even see that. That night when I got home I vowed that I wouldn’t let my children suffer. Not alone at least. There are things in the world I cannot protect you from but I can try my hardest. We were going to try and be a proper family again. If you wanted to jump Alec, I should have seen it years ago and tried to help you.”  


Alec stood up and joined his mother.  


“There’s no guidebook, no map for parents to follow. Believe me I wish there were. I raised you how my parents raised me. How their parents raised them. You were my first. I didn’t have a single idea what I was doing. But I thought it was working so I kept doing it. It wasn’t working. I should have seen that it wasn’t working. You are not me. You are not Isabelle or Jace or Max. Every child is different, and I should have changed my preconceived notions on parenting to fit your needs. Shadowhunters are not usually warm people, but I think you needed that. I see how affectionate Magnus is with you, how often you and and your siblings hug. You thrive on it.”  


“You are not a bad mother Mom. What I felt when I was younger, how I felt was not your fault. You raised me and here I am.” He motioned around the office, “I’m doing alright.”  


“It may be true Alec. I know there are things that we cannot help feeling. But if I had been around I would have seen how badly you needed me to be around. How I shouldn’t have been so harsh in your training. You are a good Shadowhunter. You are a better leader than your father or I could have ever hoped, an amazing brother, and a wonderful son. I have always thought so but I didn’t tell you because I thought if I pushed you, you would be invincible. I thought if I tried to make you better, you’d have a clear shot at your dreams. I didn’t want to coddle you because no one else would be doing that, and I wanted you to be just a good, if not better than the others. I didn’t want my parenting to make you miss out on things. But I see now that was a shitty idea. A really, really shitty idea.”  


“How my mind and your parenting interacted couldn’t have been predicted. When I was younger I wanted your approval so damn bad. I wanted to know that I was good enough for you. I don’t know,” he shook his head, “I wanted to be better because I thought I’d finally get your praise. I just got it. Maybe it’s a little late, but we can’t change the past. What happened, what I did, how I felt- all of that is over now. In the end, I’m happy. I have the job I would have done nearly anything for, and I have love that I never thought I could.”  


She shook her head again, and reached out to squeeze his hand, “I love you. You know that don’t you? I love you and despite how he may show it your father loves you too. You have made us so proud. I thought I was proud of you at your wedding. I thought you marrying Lydia was the epitome of how proud you could make me. But I was wrong. You being yourself, this self, is how proud of you I can be.”  


He pulled her into a hug. She let herself cry and thought about the last time she and Alec had hugged beyond a greeting after a time apart. They were always quick and rather impersonal. This was much different.  


“I love you too Mom. Why don’t you come to dinner with us tonight?”  


She pulled away and wiped her eyes, “I don’t want to impose on your date. You two go out. Enjoy each other’s company.”  


Alec shook his head, “Come get to know him. I think you’ll get along. Come meet my boyfriend, officially. We can pretend all the other times don’t exist.”  


She smiled, and managed a chuckle, “I don’t think he wants me there. I’ve been horrible to him.”  


“Magnus is good at putting things in the past and starting over. Mom, I want you to like him. I want you to get along. Magnus is my family too now.”  


She nodded, “I’d love to join you for dinner.”

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!
> 
> prompts are always appreciated (mainly bc i like to procrastinate my work), and you can find me on tumblr at feuillytheflorist


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